Pre December Blues…

I think when you have had a history of depression, be it for a year or less or even more, I think you need make sure you can realise the signs that a relapse maybe occurring.

Thing is what do you do with those signs??

I was supposed to go on a mums night out with some nursery mums. U didn’t think muvb about it till my husband said ‘wow that’s good. You would never have thenthat if you were not in a good place’ ironically this scared the shit out of me, and guess what I chickened out. I felt like I didn’t need to invest any time in the! As Eloise is leaving nursery in August, and she won’t be at school with any of them.

Was it that moment that may of triggered my current slipping motion?? Or is it the fact that I am starting a brand new job next year and have high hopes, so high that if it fails to deliver I may tumble further than I am sliding now….

But the slide has started… All I can do is hope that I will be able to grab on before I have slid too far and climb back again.

How do I know its started:

  • Infatuation wityh anything that isn’t my life…. Even stupid story lines in Holby City, where at times I forget its not real! (C’mon classic mistake)
  • The feeling of being an outsider, within my own family, my extended family, my group of friends
  • The constant questionning myself of ‘did I say the right thing then?’
  • Cancelling my own leaving do from a company I have worked at for 9 years, by calling in sick (even thou sick, I’m not exactly on deaths door)
  • Arguing with my husband and taking it too far…. Or did I, was I justified in my response?
  • Totalling not seeing things/changes in friendship groups unless its pointed out!!!

One of my friends, a new (meaning within the last 2 years) good friend, started a blog, actively posting to share… Do I want to do that? Or am I hoping that this will disappear into the ether, but at least I have been able to get things off my chest.God knows. Yet here I am writing….

Its December tomorrow, and to say I am unethused Christmas is just around the corner is an understatement…. I really don’t care, I have hardly shopped, hardly thought about it, and am now dreading it since my recent run in with my mother in law…. Boxing Day will be fun!

Again another sign I am sliding…. I love Christmas… Or I normally do.

So what do I do with these signs then??

Arguments 

Why is it an argument that is unfinished turns into a silence which is more harrowing than the arguing? 

I am not going to apologise for saying things I do, nor do I think someone else should apologise to me for things they say, let’s face it, things said in the heat of the moment are often true. But, I literally have no idea how to now say what I feel I need to. I then feel like saying it will continue the argument, yet the silence is continuing it anyway??? 

So we sit in silence, we stew on what was said, and the more we stew the more angry we become and the more hurt we become. Yet, stubbornness in people does not allow you to be the bigger person and end it! 

Why is it so hard to say what you feel?

Family

Why is family life so flipping complicated…. when I say family, I mean my original family, the one I was born into, the one you are supposed to love unconditionally as they love you.

I’m not saying I don’t love them by the way, if I didn’t love them, then I would never feel as hurt as I do most of the time by them.

Easter is approaching, and my family wont be together, why? My sister is on holiday, and because I have not mentioned anything till now, my parents have decided they are going out for a meal as they are always left alone. So that means my sister buggers off on holiday, so obviously I wont want to be included with my parents??

Whenever I think of family, the word that springs to mind is Frustration! I could scream at the top of my lungs and I still don’t think the frustration would be released.

If I didn’t love them, this wouldn’t bother me, just like it wouldn’t bother me that my sister and I have nothing more than a ‘friendly text now and then’ relationship, my big sister, who should be the one that looks after me, the one that sets the example, doesn’t actually want to know me, that the killer. Yet, when I try and get that message across to my parents, it gets lost in translation….. and frustration.

Bye bye Olaf

Friday, a day I was on a high, it was the girls birthday party the following day, I had completed the minion cake!! 

 life was good.

I’d had the food delivered for the party, I was tidying up, went to call for my cat, opened the front door, found him laying on the mat, I called his name and there was no movement.

He had died….

   
Here is my beautiful cat.

Mixed breed, a people’s cat, he wanted to always been in your company if he wasn’t following being the hunter he was. He wanted to protect the girls, and he wanted to be loved, which he was so much, 

He was my therapy, and part of my support network has broken down, and I am finding that very difficult to cope with. Funny thou, I can’t cry??? I did on Friday, just not anymore.

Today we buried him in the garden, that was odd, it felt so weird as you don’t have to notify anyone?? It was just a hole and nothing more. 

Thank you for being my friend Olaf, I will miss you more than I ever thought I would. Thank you for being part of our family.xxx 

   
 

In the box – or out of the box?

So, Tuesday morning I’m on a training course called “choose your attitude” I arrive and immediately I am asked, how are you doing, my response, “I’m stressed”

This seems to be my standard response these days:

  • yeah I’m ok thanks – a little tired
  • I’m stressed
  • Oh I did not sleep last night
  • I feel blue

When you suffer with depression, you rarely come up with other answers, and you rarely feel light, and you think you never will, but, on Tuesday afternoon my answers would have been:

  • Brilliant
  • No one can beat this good mood away
  • I’m happy

About 18 months ago I was about 2/3 months into my counselling sessions, and I told my therapist, I don’t ever think I will achieve the status of happy, as much as she assured me that happy was a state of mind of a brief moment in time, and it was not only depressed people who felt un-happy, I still didn’t believe her that I could be happy.

But I am!!!

For the first time in just under 4 years, I am over the moon (ok, when I delivered 2 healthy babies I was also over the moon) but hormones played a huge role in the last 4 years and ensured I did not enjoy those first few years of my children’s early childhood. But I am now happy. Put it down to hardly any sleepless nights, or the fact that I am no longer restricted to take part in events, activities, that I can drink a glass of wine and not feel guilty, or that I now only work 4 days a week, and I feel more like a parent and not an employee with kids on the side, but an actual parent, someone my children want to be around.

Happiness may only be a state of mind, and happiness may only last a short time. BUT EMBRACE IT, don’t waste it, enjoy it. That’s my advice.

I now only see my therapist once a month, and I am no longer afraid to see her, I look forward to seeing her, as that 50 minutes is ‘MY TIME’ its my time to unload, its like I’m paying for the friend you can say anything too because you know she wont grass you up to any of the people you are moaning about. I feel safe and comfortable, and I recommend therapy to everyone, even those who think they don’t need therapy, as even that monthly session enriches my month as I get to download without fear.

So – am I in the box? No – not at the minute, I’m not in the hole that I feel I can not get out of, at the moment I am out of the box, and feeling great. Doesn’t mean I am never balancing on the edge, but for the time being I’m choosing not to fall..

Its a good place to be at the moment (even if I am heavily medicated to make me smile)

There is hope 🙂

Camping…. Good for the mind!

Ok, so my husband literally begged me to go camping this year, we have not been since the summer before we had Grace, so 5 years! So I had two conditions….

  1. It had to be a holiday!!!!
  2. He had to do all the cooking and washing up, unless I felt like it 🙂

Suffice to say, we came camping! And now that I am going into my 4th night of 10, I’m actually chilled, relaxed and enjoying it! Apart from the increased symptoms of my already bad hay fever, it’s actually ok.

Dare I say it, I have smiled so many times, at the girls, I do believe I have not shouted at them, or at least half as much as I did before. I  have actually experienced brief moments of happiness!!!! 

Maybe what people say about the state of happiness is true, maybe it is only brief moments you get to experience.

Eat, Pray, Love

Probably not the best time to watch a movie about finding ones self when you have just had a massive argument with your husband, and then found yourself asking those exact same questions.

I would love, and I really mean love to go and do what that woman did, but, I have a tie, my children.

Is it wrong that for a minute fraction of a second I thought what if? If they were not here, not been born, would I still be where I am now? Have I settled into something I’m not even sure I should be in? Was this because this is the life I was told to have or I was going to have? 

I don’t regret my children, they have made me a mum, and I never thought I would be that. I feel sorry for them that they have ended up with me as their mum! No one could feel more fucked up right now! I kid myself and the Drs and the therapists that I am ok, I kid my employers I don’t need to see a therapist anymore as I can’t get an appointment on my day off, truth is, I am no better than I was 3 months ago. I have just got a little bit stronger that I can put the mask on again.

My husband says he loves me? How do I know, I’m not even sure I know what that type of love should be. The only indescribable love I feel and get the biggest smile from is my children, my two adorable children. 

I want to take them on an adventure. I want them to be apart of the world. I don’t want them to ever feel the pain that I do! The pain that’s inside, the pain that eats me up. The pain the will one day totally consume me and turn me into the evil person I will no doubt become.

If anyone wants an insight into who I am at the moment, then this is it!