16 stone 8lbs

Holy crap! The last time I was this weight I was pregnant! I hadn't realised how much weight I had put on! 😩😩

My mum got all excited today to show me her new purchase….. talking scales! As if it wasn't bad enough to stand on the scales and see the weight… it tells you… EXTREMELY LOUD.

So I'm hoping putting it out there, to the world, that I will finally admit I have a problem!

😕😕😢

A day of achievements

So sean is on his cousins stag do in Manchester. Last night I was adamant I was not going to waste the day, even thou we had a party to go to.

My parents, seem to know what I need at the time, before I do…. last night they could sense I didn't want to go home, so the girls and I had a sleepover.

First thing this morning, after breakfast trials, the girls were bathed/showered, I came home, started cutting my dead bush down, then cutting back the tree. Pit stop to the party shop, then back to digging (broke my neighbours garden fork 😨) completely cleared the front, put all the rubbish in the car. Mowed the lawn with a bit of help from dad, mum and I pulled up garden weeds. Made lunch, took the girls to a party, then onto the dump, back to the party, back home, started dads cake, cooked girls dinner, put them to bed, finished dads cake and slumped on sofa!

I'm physically tired tonight…. which is so much better than being mentally tired!

Today is a good day!

Ate crap thou! 😩

This blog has to become my food diary!

So readers, I am sorry, I have to do this, I need to make this my food diary, I need to be able to blog about the inability to eat such nice things, and the ability to think about and cook such plain boring healthy food and make it as enjoyable as ever!

I also need to take care of myself and actually try some self care. I presently absolutely do not like one thing about myself, and I mean that not in a poor me way, I mean it in a physical and mental way.

My mind – needs to be cleared of all my negative thoughts of self loathing – how am I going to be to roll model I want to be to the girls, if I keep thinking I am awful.

My body – well my Facebook posts keep reminding me that for the 10 years I have been on Facebook, I keep moaning about my appearance. Baz Lurhman was spot on in the Sunscreen song –

‘But trust me, in twenty years, You will look back at photos of yourself, and recall in a way you can’t grasp now, how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked’

You are not as fat as you imagine

So – I need to sort my head out, and in sorting my head out I will hopefully sort my body out, and take much greater pride in my appearance.

Friends, family…… anyone….. please support me, please kick me if you seen rubbish food enter my system… please slap me round the face if I mention my self loathing again, but more importantly…. please just tell me I can do this!

Read more: Baz Luhrmann – Everybody’s Free (to Wear Sunscreen) Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Mum Guilt

A few weeks ago, a new mum friend of mine asked me if the mum built gets better when the kids go to school? ‘Nope, it gets worse!’ I replied.

What is mum guilt? It is that nagging feeling that your getting it all wrong. Personally, I just feel it constantly because I am a full time working mum, but even my friends that work part time, or are a full time mum feel it too. Why do we do it to ourselves?

This week my anxiety ramped up 100%, I found myself crying myself to sleep because I didn’t want to work anymore, and the though of working on Monday was too much, but if I don’t work and go sick due to my anxiety, the sick pay won’t cover a months income for me, which means the mortgage won’t get paid next month …… And more guilt then transcends…. I will be letting my whole family down 😞

So I got up, went to work, and it was OK! Not amazing, but OK! Still feel guilty, but I doubt it that feeking will ever stop. Instead I looked for some positives, I ended my day looking at what we are going to do on our holiday in Cornwall… When I get 12 whole interrupted days with MY family in my bubble. 

Mum guilt, parent guilt… Its never going to leave us, I just need to realise that life is what we make it, use the guilt to make happier memories and move on. Who thinks I can follow my own advice?

Guilt and Helplessness (is that a word?)

So I started working full time again on Jan 3rd. Not a decision I took lightly, would working an extra 7.5 hours a week be really that disturbing to my family life, what did I actually do with those 7.5 hours a week.

Well, I certainly didn’t sit on my bum! Or I may of done, but if I was sitting I was driving, driving my eldest to wherever she needed to be. But don’t underestimate that time of ‘driving’, this time even thou boring as it seemed, was obviously time she had with me, that she no longer gets.

Every morning we go through this rigmarole of kisses and cuddles goodbye, and she always thinks I have not kissed and cuddled enough, God forbid I should leave without waking her, as then she makes me pay later… mummy you didn’t give me a cuddle this morning, I missed you…. said with the big puppy eyes! But the rigmarole of saying goodbye, sometimes it can make you just that second too late, but you have to do it, as the Guilt sets in otherwise.

Why am I working when I have two beautiful young children to raise at home? Why? I will tell you, simply we can not afford for me not to work full time – plain as! Does this mean I should have been denied the right to have children – No, do I get any state help what so ever – No, Why shouldn’t I become a mum that relies on the state – quite frankly – living in Surrey I think that is impossible as it is too expensive to live in Surrey! Leave Surrey – why should I – I have lived here all my life! I digress… if life was an option of choice, then I would not work. Or I would but only why my children were at school.

Having Children was a choice, Yes, but I saw it more of a calling, some people feel the need to breed, some people don’t. So was it really a conscious choice, No, I needed to have children. But in doing so I feel like the most failing mother, wife, daughter, sister on the planet. My children see me for 1-1.1/2 hours a day – most of that time I’m shouting or they are whining…. FAIL I see my husband probably less… but neither of us unplug long enough to have a meaningful conversation. I’m so tired I don’t Iron… or keep up with the washing….FAIL… my parents probably see me as a distant daughter as I am ironically trying to spend time with my own daughters as they don’t see me…. again FAIL…. and my sister… well, we only seem to converse when we both need childcare arrangements, or if I fall out with my parents and realise she is the only one that understands them like I do…. again FAIL!

Childcare is my responsibility – remembering medicines is my responsibility, swimming bag, rainbows bag, nursery bag, school bag….. my bag… when will it stop…. and when will someone just tell me its ok to stop…. and let me cry!

Big Irony – I love my new Job – so why am I feeling so flipping guilty!

2017 Goals

So I have set myself some goals for 2017, I am adamant to say these are not resolutions…. resolutions always fail, but goals I am hoping will not allow me to fail.

So, here goes:

  • To achieve a weight of 11 1/2 stone by the end of the year. My husband has promised me a real diamond platinum eternity ring should this happen (I plan on receiving this even if it take me more than a year)
  • Be T-Total for the whole year (although I have been told by some friends that I might need a weekend pass at some point)
  • Achieve an average 7 hours sleep a night (currently at 5!)
  • Meditate at least 3 times a week
  • Complete crochet projects I have started but not finished (before starting anything else)

Not too much then. All perfectly achievable if I put my mind to it!

Wish me luck!

Christmas is NOT the most wondeful time of the year

I am sure this is my space to vent! I am sure this is my sanity. 

Today was my last Horrible Monday blues day at Lindt. And when Sean joked that this was the day that I could probably kill everyone and use the excuse ‘well it is Monday’ never did I think that in my mind would I be wishing that right now. 

I am so not ready for christmas. My eldest daughter has far less presents than my youngest, I have ‘bits’ for my husband, a present I ordered weeks ago for my niece has not turned up and I cant get another one anywhere… since when is the Pie face game as popular as Hatchimals!!!!! 

Lindt have not sent a reference to Nuffield????? 

I have not had a cooked meal since saturday…. when I cooked, even thou my husband is at home on garden leave…. and the house is back to being a mess again when I left the downstairs was at least reasonable.

Even thou no food has passed my lips (apart from obviously rubbish) I felt like a huge elephant. I dont feel in the slightest bit attractive. And I certainly dont look happy. 

I have been informed today that Grace’s teacher was reducing her days in a very informal email from the school, which in no way calms any fears that may arise from that email. Since when do we have to teach the school how to communicate???

Oh… and Eloise wont Pooh!! Even after an hours attempt of me sitting on the toilet floor talking to her pretending to be her pooh and ‘let me out’

Yes people, humans, anyone reading…. this day can disappear please

😭😭😭😭😭