Guilt and Helplessness (is that a word?)

So I started working full time again on Jan 3rd. Not a decision I took lightly, would working an extra 7.5 hours a week be really that disturbing to my family life, what did I actually do with those 7.5 hours a week.

Well, I certainly didn’t sit on my bum! Or I may of done, but if I was sitting I was driving, driving my eldest to wherever she needed to be. But don’t underestimate that time of ‘driving’, this time even thou boring as it seemed, was obviously time she had with me, that she no longer gets.

Every morning we go through this rigmarole of kisses and cuddles goodbye, and she always thinks I have not kissed and cuddled enough, God forbid I should leave without waking her, as then she makes me pay later… mummy you didn’t give me a cuddle this morning, I missed you…. said with the big puppy eyes! But the rigmarole of saying goodbye, sometimes it can make you just that second too late, but you have to do it, as the Guilt sets in otherwise.

Why am I working when I have two beautiful young children to raise at home? Why? I will tell you, simply we can not afford for me not to work full time – plain as! Does this mean I should have been denied the right to have children – No, do I get any state help what so ever – No, Why shouldn’t I become a mum that relies on the state – quite frankly – living in Surrey I think that is impossible as it is too expensive to live in Surrey! Leave Surrey – why should I – I have lived here all my life! I digress… if life was an option of choice, then I would not work. Or I would but only why my children were at school.

Having Children was a choice, Yes, but I saw it more of a calling, some people feel the need to breed, some people don’t. So was it really a conscious choice, No, I needed to have children. But in doing so I feel like the most failing mother, wife, daughter, sister on the planet. My children see me for 1-1.1/2 hours a day – most of that time I’m shouting or they are whining…. FAIL I see my husband probably less… but neither of us unplug long enough to have a meaningful conversation. I’m so tired I don’t Iron… or keep up with the washing….FAIL… my parents probably see me as a distant daughter as I am ironically trying to spend time with my own daughters as they don’t see me…. again FAIL…. and my sister… well, we only seem to converse when we both need childcare arrangements, or if I fall out with my parents and realise she is the only one that understands them like I do…. again FAIL!

Childcare is my responsibility – remembering medicines is my responsibility, swimming bag, rainbows bag, nursery bag, school bag….. my bag… when will it stop…. and when will someone just tell me its ok to stop…. and let me cry!

Big Irony – I love my new Job – so why am I feeling so flipping guilty!

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