So, Tuesday morning I’m on a training course called “choose your attitude” I arrive and immediately I am asked, how are you doing, my response, “I’m stressed”
This seems to be my standard response these days:
- yeah I’m ok thanks – a little tired
- I’m stressed
- Oh I did not sleep last night
- I feel blue
When you suffer with depression, you rarely come up with other answers, and you rarely feel light, and you think you never will, but, on Tuesday afternoon my answers would have been:
- No one can beat this good mood away
- I’m happy
About 18 months ago I was about 2/3 months into my counselling sessions, and I told my therapist, I don’t ever think I will achieve the status of happy, as much as she assured me that happy was a state of mind of a brief moment in time, and it was not only depressed people who felt un-happy, I still didn’t believe her that I could be happy.
But I am!!!
For the first time in just under 4 years, I am over the moon (ok, when I delivered 2 healthy babies I was also over the moon) but hormones played a huge role in the last 4 years and ensured I did not enjoy those first few years of my children’s early childhood. But I am now happy. Put it down to hardly any sleepless nights, or the fact that I am no longer restricted to take part in events, activities, that I can drink a glass of wine and not feel guilty, or that I now only work 4 days a week, and I feel more like a parent and not an employee with kids on the side, but an actual parent, someone my children want to be around.
Happiness may only be a state of mind, and happiness may only last a short time. BUT EMBRACE IT, don’t waste it, enjoy it. That’s my advice.
I now only see my therapist once a month, and I am no longer afraid to see her, I look forward to seeing her, as that 50 minutes is ‘MY TIME’ its my time to unload, its like I’m paying for the friend you can say anything too because you know she wont grass you up to any of the people you are moaning about. I feel safe and comfortable, and I recommend therapy to everyone, even those who think they don’t need therapy, as even that monthly session enriches my month as I get to download without fear.
So – am I in the box? No – not at the minute, I’m not in the hole that I feel I can not get out of, at the moment I am out of the box, and feeling great. Doesn’t mean I am never balancing on the edge, but for the time being I’m choosing not to fall..
Its a good place to be at the moment (even if I am heavily medicated to make me smile)
There is hope 🙂