Eat, Pray, Love

Probably not the best time to watch a movie about finding ones self when you have just had a massive argument with your husband, and then found yourself asking those exact same questions.

I would love, and I really mean love to go and do what that woman did, but, I have a tie, my children.

Is it wrong that for a minute fraction of a second I thought what if? If they were not here, not been born, would I still be where I am now? Have I settled into something I’m not even sure I should be in? Was this because this is the life I was told to have or I was going to have? 

I don’t regret my children, they have made me a mum, and I never thought I would be that. I feel sorry for them that they have ended up with me as their mum! No one could feel more fucked up right now! I kid myself and the Drs and the therapists that I am ok, I kid my employers I don’t need to see a therapist anymore as I can’t get an appointment on my day off, truth is, I am no better than I was 3 months ago. I have just got a little bit stronger that I can put the mask on again.

My husband says he loves me? How do I know, I’m not even sure I know what that type of love should be. The only indescribable love I feel and get the biggest smile from is my children, my two adorable children. 

I want to take them on an adventure. I want them to be apart of the world. I don’t want them to ever feel the pain that I do! The pain that’s inside, the pain that eats me up. The pain the will one day totally consume me and turn me into the evil person I will no doubt become.

If anyone wants an insight into who I am at the moment, then this is it!

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